Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul
When I was younger, I wanted to be a dancer. Perhaps, subconsciously, it was because I was seeking a way to relate to and heal my body from the childhood sexual abuse it had endured. The body is such an amazing creation and the ability to be free with one’s body, to command it, and use it as one sees fit is so liberating. Subconsciously, those of us who have a history of sexual abuse may be punishing our bodies by allowing it to get overweight and by not challenging it in some way that demands a high degree of physicality.
Think about the way you feel after you exercise. No matter how much we whine about getting in shape, we learn so much about ourselves when we exercise. Like a fine tuned, highly skilled athlete, we learn that we can push ourselves to limits that, perhaps, we never imagined. It feels good to know that we are, indeed, winners. Our bodies feel good afterwards, and we sleep so much better.
It is a great paradox that we rebel against exercising; yet, we feel so good after we do. The therapeutic aspects are documented and undeniable. Why not ease into exercising by doing something fun — dancing! Dancers, like entertainer extraordinaire, Debbie Allen, and the first African American female principal dancer with the American Ballet Theatre, Misty Copeland, have the type of confidence and self-assuredness with their bodies that so many of us lack, so dancing is helpful to us on many different levels.
It amuses me to know that the fabled actor, James Dean, once took dance lessons from the legendary Eartha Kitt, who was a dancer, singer, actress and all around tour de force. Dean wanted to move like Kitt; and why wouldn’t he? Kitt moved in elegant power. Fittingly, long before beautiful Halle Berry, she was the first Black woman to play Catwoman (on the television show Batman), and she was something to behold.
What fierceness are you suppressing? Take a class and find out. I’ve taken belly dance, tap dance, and my favorite, African dance. There were so many White women in my African dance classes, trying to get what you have naturally — the ability to move
with poise and power, the ability to move gracefully and seductively -- if you want to!
Begin to make peace with your body. It is beautiful, it is fascinating, it is powerful and it is yours. Own it.
This excerpt is from "Thirty-One Days of Thoughts to Meditate on Every Thirty-One Days for Women who were Sexually Exploited as Children -- "Day 19 Dance!"
Which is excerpted from the book: Surviving, Healing, and Evolving © by Dr. Rhonda Sherrod
"Your fitness is 100% mental. Your body won't go where your mind doesn't push it!" Unknown
Again, I ask, Black Woman: “Don’t you know who you are?”
You deserve to live, and live abundantly!
On Getting Therapy
by Dr. Rhonda Sherrod
“They call out to those who are forever lost – dead or absent parents, spouses, children, friends. “I want to see you again.” “I want your love.” “I want to know you’re proud of me.” “I want you to know I love you and how sorry I am I never told you.” I want you back – I am so lonely.” “I want the childhood I never had.” “I want to be healthy – to be young again." "I want to be loved, to be respected." "I want my life to mean something." "I want to accomplish something." "I want to matter, to be important, to be remembered…"
“It is when these unattainable wants come to dominate our lives that we turn for help to family, to friends, to religion – sometimes to psychotherapy.”
Get therapy if you need it. As a psychologist, I want you to know that you might be surprised by who gets therapy – brilliant, high-powered, high achieving, successful people! They give themselves permission to get therapy, so that they can live fulfilling lives. Getting therapy is not a sign of weakness or sickness in the debased kind of way that so many people still conceive of it; instead, it is a sign of maturity, strength, and self-love. Doing something therapeutic for your mind is not any different from doing something therapeutic (like exercising and eating nutritiously) for your heart. Good mental health is just as important as good physical health. In the future we might even start getting an annual “psychological” just like one gets an annual physical examination. Sigmund Freud called his brand of psychotherapy “the talking cure” because just having a dispassionate professional to talk to, who doesn’t impose stifling judgment or sanction, can often be highly satisfying, liberating, and even life-sustaining. So, don’t be afraid to do it.
If you were somewhere suffering the signs and symptoms of a heart attack or stroke, and did nothing about it, people would consider that “crazy.” So, if you are suffering mightily, mentally or emotionally, why shouldn’t you be able to access help in that situation? Think about it. I’m a firm believer that mental health is like physical health. Just as your body can be compromised with a cold, or the flu, or something worse that requires medical attention, so, too, can the mind get compromised, breaking down your usual immunities for combating mental and emotional anguish and distress. Nowadays, people laughingly talk about needing “a mental health day” off from work, just as you would take a few days off if you were physically ill. That concept is always met with knowing laughter and affirmative nodding, because the truth is that people are really on to something even though they say it in jest. Sometimes we do need to take some time off or engage in a course of psychological treatment.
If we look at mental health on a continuum, at one end of the spectrum is excellent mental health and at the opposite end is poor mental health, but most of us lie somewhere in between those two opposite poles. Few people are completely at either end of the spectrum; that is, few people are in very poor mental health at any given time and few people are in the absolute best of mental health, no matter how they try to insist that they are. Often, they are just “fronting.” (I had to chuckle when one of my male students emphatically asserted in an undergraduate psychology class that, “Nobody is ever in the best mental health!”)
Again, most of us lie somewhere in between the two poles, but any one of us can shift – going in either direction – on any given day for a whole host of reasons. So, you’ll hear people say, “I should have just stayed in the bed today,” or “I knew when I woke up today that this would be a bad day.” Or people will say, “I’m going through it” meaning that for a couple of days or even weeks things just “aren’t right.” Or people will say, “I’ve been kinda depressed,” or “I’ve got the blues,” but no one really wants to entertain those kind of comments, because we resist the idea that something could be wrong mentally or emotionally, and, in any event, we rationalize that the person will be “okay.” Sometimes, we even, gratuitously, assert to our loved one, friend, or associate, “All, you’ll be alright.” We, mindlessly, say that to people all the time even when we have no idea about the depths of a person’s psychological pain. That is why we are so shocked when beautiful sisters, like the talented songstress, Phyllis Hyman, take their own lives, when they destroy their gifts by medicating their pain with alcohol or drugs like Whitney Houston, or when they burn through life fast like Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes.
The brain is an organ of the body and, just like any other organ, it can, to use the vernacular, “get out of whack.” Looking back on your legacy as a person of African descent, Ancient Africans believed that the mind, body, and spirit/soul should be healthy for one to have overall good health. Like a car, we should be firing on all cylinders. So, if one thing – say the body – is out of whack – it can throw the whole system out of sync, thereby making the whole system unhealthy. If your mental state is not particularly healthy doesn’t that “cylinder” deserve attention?
As Black women, often no matter how smart, pretty, charismatic, and wonderful you are, your lives can still be stinted and circumscribed in so many ways, on so many levels, for so many reasons. Sure, we are socialized to “shrug” any and all problems “off,” to “just keep on keeping on,” and to “keep the faith,” but we are only human just like everyone else. So we need a new paradigm. In fact, your brilliance and dynamism, Black woman, seems to be more than this society wants in a Black woman. So, you end up internalizing your hurts and sorrows and chasing a cupcake, instead of a legitimate dream that could have and would have been fulfilled in a more just society. Then health and spirit, and even sanity, can become compromised because you know that you are not living your life as you had previously envisioned it, or as you deserve to live it.
Sometimes, having someone to talk to is a beautiful thing. It’s okay. There are places like the YMCA, county hospitals, and centers for women that provide good low-cost therapy. Get therapy, if you need it, because you are ill (e.g. clinically depressed or bipolar), grieving the death of a loved one, experiencing existential angst, having a hard time adjusting to a major, unsettling transition, having a difficult time managing intense emotions, dealing with an unaddressed longstanding trauma (e.g. childhood sexual abuse or adult rape), experiencing drug or alcohol addiction, diagnosed with a major chronic physical illness, suffering from a life altering permanent disability, or if you just need someone to talk to in order to sort out some things. Get what you need, without fear, shame, apology, or need for approbation, because, trust me, many of your White sisters have no problem accessing therapy, and I am talking about the well-educated, wealthy ones with high-powered careers. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t recognize your humanity, too, and get whatever you need to be happier and more successful in life – even if it’s therapy.
This essay is from the book: Surviving, Healing, and Evolving: Essays of Love, Compassion, Healing, and Affirmation for Black People © by Dr. Rhonda Sherrod
A Few Good Books I Recommend For You to Read
Love's Executioner and The Gift of Therapy, both by Irvin Yalom (and both are classic works in the field of psychotherapy).
“Love has, at its best, made the inherent sadness of life bearable, and its beauty manifest.”
An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison.
An Unquiet Mind is an excellent memoir written by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, a renowned clinical psychologist, scholar, and researcher as well as a phenomenal writer who suffers from Bipolar I (manic-depression) disorder. She is an unsparingly honest author who writes movingly and unflinchingly about her very serious illness and how she has managed to craft an enviable academic career and a life filled with love and beauty in spite of it.
“Emotionally and physically taxing, the responsibilities of parenting are overwhelming for even the most stable people. Imagine them for someone with a history of depression stretching as far as a late afternoon shadow. The daily tasks – bathing, ironing clothes, dressing, braiding hair, making breakfast, preparing lunch, school drop-offs and pick-ups – require every bit of what little get up and go I have. However, they define my day. These responsibilities help me move past the temptation to rationalize myself right back into bed. Most times.”
Willow Weep For Me: A Black Woman’s Journey Through Depression by Meri Nana-Ama Danquah
Meri Danquah is a brilliant, highly engaging, Black female writer who immigrated to America from Ghana as a child. (She now spends most of her time back in Ghana.) Her work has been featured in the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, Essence, and the Village Voice, among other publications. Ms. Danquah has crafted a beautifully written memoir about her own struggle with depression. (She also talks about how difficult it was for people around her to accept her illness – after all Black women are mythologized as, and supposed to be, “superwomen” who are impervious to pain and who are supposed to carry everybody else’s pain while denying or repressing their own!)
“There are women who continue to care for families and children, when rape and sexual violence have ripped away all intimacies of family life. Husbands, friends, lovers flee; they cannot bear the strain of disclosures, the effort of healing. These women live alone in their nightmares. They have no mediators for their ‘tellings.’ I write for the women who lie alone in the night.
“There is an uncanny silence surrounding the trauma of Black rape. I believe I understand the silence of Black women who survive. I am a Black woman wounded, and because I kept silent for so long, my newly found voice is still emerging. Silences have become important to me. I’m not sure why I refused to tell. But I do know I was intensely afraid of the truth in all its manifestations. I was afraid to be heard.”
Surviving the Silence, Black Women’s Stories of Rape by Charlotte Pierce-Baker,
Dr. Charlotte Pierce-Baker is Professor Emerita of Women’s and Gender Studies and English at Vanderbilt University who has written courageously about devastating matters, including being brutally raped in her own home. Her faculty website page notes that: “Since the publication of her book, Surviving the Silence: Black Women’s Stories of Rape (W.W. Norton, September 1991), Professor Pierce-Baker has continued to travel and lecture on issues of Black women and sexual assault. She has taken the topeic of rape into the classroom with her course on women and trauma. (Emphasis added) Finding and creating a language is, for her, the first step in acknowledging and documenting the "colonization of the body of woman."
The BOOK by
Dr. Rhonda Sherrod:
Surviving, Healing, and Evolving
will arrive SOON!!
Quote of the Week:
December 3, 2017
"There is a notion out there that black people enjoy the Sisyphean struggle against racism. In fact, most of us live for the day when we can struggle against anything else. But having been, by that very racism, pinned into ghettoes, both metaphorical and real, our options for struggle are chosen long before we are born. And so we struggle out of fear for our children. We struggle out of fear for ourselves. We struggle to avoid our feelings, because to actually consider all that was taken, to understand that it was taken systematically, that the taking is essential to American and echoes down through the ages, could make you crazy."
We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy
Quote of the Month -
"...she had nothing to fall back on; not maleness, not whiteness, not ladyhood, not anything. And out of the profound desolation of her reality she may well have invented herself."
Brilliant multiple prize-winning author
"I am a woman -- gorgeously designed, brilliant, charming, mysterious, funny, bewitching, cool, and, most of all, uniquely purposed. I am my own phenomenal being, and I own and govern myself!"
Dr. Rhonda Sherrod
"Dipped in Chocolate, Bronzed in Elegance, Enameled with Grace, Toasted with Beauty.
My Lord, She's a Black Woman."
GET TO KNOW YOURSELF
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF
What makes you happy?
FIND YOUR PURPOSE, SO YOU CAN BE HAPPY!